My goal for the revision process is to be more specific with my thoughts and opinions. I need to the readers to know that it is my opinion rather than a fact. The steps that I plan on taking to achieve this is to eliminate what is not needed and facts that are not true. To do this, I will go through each paragraph and delete and/or fix sentences that may have this issue. I do fear that I will run into a challenge. That challenge will be trying to fix sentences that I feel are very strong. I don’t want to fix sentences if they really support my thesis and claim sentences. I also fear deleting sentences that really correlate with my thesis and claim sentence. I don’t want to get rid of a sentence unless it does not relate to what I am saying at all. I will get rid of it if it is not necessary. If this is too hard to fix myself, I can always talk to my peers about it, talk to Mrs. Emerson, go to SASC, and use my Little Seagull and my They Say I Say book. I think that this goal is very doable, but it will be challenging for me in some parts.
Author: dperreault1 (Page 1 of 2)
Some of the multimodal compositions that I plan on using is sounds in the background and pictures. I want to add sound because I talk about nature in the form of beauty so if I had a nature background noise, I feel like that would be really cool and fun to work with. I plan on using pictures because I want people to see an image in their head that I am seeing in mine. The pictures will help guide them to maintain their train of thoughts with mine as I write I also am thinking about changing the font to make it even more interesting, but I have to play around with them to see which one I like the best and which one fits the best. I like the idea of doing a multimodal composition essay because I have never done one before. I think that this is a good way to experience and express how I am feeling through a paper. Not everyone can feel how you feel, but they can experience how you are feeling and try to feel the same way as well. This will make my writing seem like it is coming true and understood the way that I understand it.
Thesis: Beauty, for me, is as all of the little aspects in nature that drive people to create a vivid and unforgetful memory.
Claim Sentence #1: Beauty is what lies in the mind of the beholder.
Quote: “The term ‘cognitive spaces’ refers to mental maps in which we arrange our experiences. Everything that we encounter has physical properties, whether a person or an object and can, therefore, be arranged along different dimensions. Depending on the dimensions of interest individuals might be stored mentally closer together or further away.” (Navigating our thoughts: Fundamental principles of thinking)
Claim Sentence #2: Nature has a beauty that often times changes how our mind and inner body feel.
Quote: “Instead of asking which things are beautiful, Schiller is curious about what is going on in us when we respond with this distinctive, intimate thrill and enthusiasm that leads us to say ‘that’s beautiful.’” (La Bella Vita)
Claim Sentence #3: Beauty comes in a form of nature that makes you feel at peace with your body.
Quote: “My boss knew that I liked architecture and he sent me to drive along Ocean Avenue to deliver something. I turned on Ocean Avenue and I saw the most amazing view of the ocean I’ve ever seen away from my island. It was just stunning. I’ve been to lots of other coastal places, but I’ve never seen anything like that and it made me really happy, it gave me a lot of peace, it gave me confidence and peace of mind.” (Emily’s podcast 1:46-2:27)
Claim Sentence #4: Nature is an undomesticated side of beauty.
Quote: “I like beaches that are rustic, that are rocky, that are wild, that are basically untamed so it was basically a mind scrub getting that Florida beach out of my head and going to what a wild and unpredictable beach is like.” (Tehya’s podcast 1:02-1:20)
Claim Sentence #5: Growing up in a small community, I know the immense impact that beauty has on its people.
The science-based article that I chose is called “Navigating our Thoughts: Fundamental Principles of Thinking.” I chose this article because it describes the inner workings of the brain. It talked about how we have mental maps that we arrange our experiences in. We prioritize what is most important or meaningful in places that we will vividly remember it and things that are not as important in different places. I think that this correlates with beauty because we prioritize what we find most beautiful and memorable in a different spot than we do with other things. For the next writing assignment, I plan on using two podcasts. The two are Tehya Casey’s and Emily Dupler’s. I chose these two because both of the interviews gave me very descriptive views of beauty. I loved listening to both podcasts and different perspectives that I gained from listening to them. Some of the stuff that was said in the interviews has stuck with me and I believe that this will help me to write this final essay. I liked how the two interviews both talked about similar things. They both relate to water and their views on it. The people talking do have different perspectives with it and I find it very interesting and something exciting to write about.
Armstrong’s statement says that people who only focus on the money and the luxury of things are missing on the true aspect of beauty. Beauty isn’t all about money. It is was comes from inside and what you experience. I view beauty as a feeling from within the body. When you have experiences and visions that are so overpowering to the mind and body, that is the beauty. It is not all about the money, even though, money can bring happiness and what you think is beauty. When Armstrong says, “When we recognize beauty in a piece of music or the graciousness of someone’s conduct, we see things that we know we have neglected or betrayed, and we feel an astonishing combination of anguish and delight.” This quote shows that when you finally see something beautiful after ignoring it, you realize the beauty that came out of it and you feel amazing but also awful at yourself for ignoring it. Because I grew up in a small town, I believe that my community views beauty as a way of helping others. We are constantly helping, supporting, and volunteering. It is a tight-knit community and it is beautiful when people help others.
When picking my chapter to read, I wanted to choose one that I know could help me with the essay I am currently working on. I chose chapter 11. I chose this chapter because right under the title said “Using the Templates to Revise” and I thought that was a great chapter to read for my essay. What I found most helpful in this chapter was that it pointed out things that a great essay should have. One that really caught my eye was using transitions to connect each paragraph.
Old:
New: 
There is a constant idea, from a world we live in today, that there are many different symbols recognizing the science on earth. Some scientists say that art helps to define, show, and strengthen scientific evidence while others argue that using a bank analogy helps to show the importance of money in the sciences. Jonah Lehrer wrote an article on incorporating art with the sciences. Lehrer wants his readers to know the importance of bringing the two together when he says, “A century later, physicists are still using his shattered still lifes as a potent symbol of their science.” Even after years of growth and discovery, many physicists are still incorporating art, which is the symbol, to their work to help improve their findings and knowledge. Lehrer uses a symbol to enhance his scientific discoveries just like Mark B. Boslough uses a symbol to enhance his opinion. Boslough believes that a scientific bank account should be used in the science world to help with the discoveries and newly enhanced technology. He announces this topic by acknowledging Gilbert by saying, “‘Knowledge of Nature is an account at [the] bank, where each dividend is added to the principal and the interest is ever compounded…'” Both Lehrer and Boslough use their different symbols to recognize the different aspects of science and life forms. Lehrer uses art to describe how it can enhance the findings and evidence of science and how to incorporate that into what we know now. Boslough uses a bank analogy referencing the importance of spending money to encourage the sciences to improve. Without any of these scientific symbols, many discoveries may not be found or even thought of. They help to enhance what we know about science and how it is able to make theories for our future because, without them, we may never have discovered what we know now.
Why does the world need to start incorporating STEAM when STEM is doing just fine? STEAM is just a way for teachers to drive information into their student’s brains by incorporating a new, unnecessary, technique, but some people may argue otherwise. These people argue that STEAM is a new integrative way of allowing students to learn from art by incorporating it into science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Yo-Yo Ma is one that insists this by saying, “Together, art and science create an ‘edge effect’ that promotes equilibrium and produces a global culture.” Yo-Yo Ma encourages people to start using STEAM because it can help bring equilibrium and empathy to the student’s studies and our world. But what is the point in incorporating the arts into these subjects, when students are becoming successful without it? Why force more things into these children’s brains when they don’t need it? STEM is doing just fine in making students successful and understanding of their work. Regardless, art does not correlate with these subjects, so why are they trying to force them two work together? There is no need for STEAM to be incorporated into this world. Much of what is known and done nowadays is based on science, engineering, technology, and mathematics, not art. Art is not at the foundation for everything we know, so there is no reason to start using it now.
The surrounding context for Yo-Yo Ma’s essay is to incorporate art into the STEM education. If we were to do that, we would have a better understanding of the curriculum and the world in general. This essay was first published on the World Post in January 2014. The author of this essay is Yo-Yo Ma. He is very smart, musical, and has earned a lot of awards. He is a very accomplished man, in my opinion.
Yo-Yo Ma describes the importance of incorporating art into the learning system and the world. He thinks that without it, people are not as well educated and that the world is missing out on a huge part of society. Personally, I know that art has helped me to see different sides of stories and decipher things differently. Without art, I would not be as widely influenced as I am now. My purpose for reading this text is to bring myself aware of how art can affect our world and education system. Art is very important in a growing world and education system. It will help people become smarter, more aware, and on edge with their thoughts.
The rhetorical situation in this essay is the equilibrium of society and its necessary edges. Personally, I believe that you do need some of these edges but not all of them to has a sense of equilibrium. The scope is them using these “necessary edges” to find equilibrium. I don’t believe that everyone will be able to receive these necessary edges all the time because some people just won’t understand it or want to learn about it. The “so what?” is if the world actually does include STEAM instead of just STEM. What will happen to our society? Will it actually help or hurt us more? How will it help with the current suffering world situation?
Magnate- Someone of wealth and influential advice (YO-YO Ma describes this word as Elon Musk who is the owner of Tesla).
Interface- Where two points or places meet (YO-YO Ma describes this word as to where the least density and greatest diversity meet).
Empathetic- Being able to show and understand feelings of your own and others (YO-YO Ma describes this word as adding expressions and feelings of the arts into STEAM).
